6 things you can do when you want to scream
But you can’t because you’re at work
- Go into the bathroom and scream while flushing the toilet. Everybody knows a toilet flush provides great sound cover for all manner of bathroom activities, like screaming. Plus watching the water swirl around and around pointlessly until it all gets sucked down the drain will remind you of the futility of life and turn your screams into hopeless sobs, which are quieter and frankly more appropriate for the workplace.
- Ball up your jacket and scream into it. This can be tricky because it’s still very hot in many places due to climate change, but if you’re lucky and you have a freezing office you may be able to make do with that flimsy cardigan, though you could consider actually stuffing the whole cardigan into your mouth before attempting your scream.
- Go to your crying alley and scream there. What do you mean, you don’t have a crying alley? It’s 2018.
- Let out your scream in small one-second bursts. People will think you’re a wacky creative type and give you a wide berth. Back off, Karen!
- Scream into a Ziploc bag. The Ziploc bag doesn’t actually muffle the scream but you will be able to find out REAL quick if your breath smells like tuna fish. (It does.)
- Get a remote job so you can scream all day long with only your cat to witness your despair.
P.S. Some people find a little screaming during sex to be a good way to let out pent up energy. Just make sure you and your partner(s) are screaming “yes,” and, as always, get right with your method before any penises go in any vaginas.
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