A beginner’s guide to taking charge in bed

Stealing all the sheets is just the start

There are lots of people who prefer to take a back seat when it comes to sex. What turns them on is having their partners be in charge. If that’s you, that’s totally cool. But if the sex you’re having isn’t super satisfying for you, if you’re in a rut and need to get out of it, or if you’re just curious about what it would be like to be more of a boss b*tch in bed, taking more control may just be the key. Here are some ways to get going.


You may not have thought of initiating as taking charge, but it so is. Surprising your partner with a sexy suggestion is an awesome way to experiment with being in charge. Picking how, when, and where you do it will help you make sure you’re having sex when you’re super into it, which will probably make it better for you. As a side benefit, if your partner is used to initiating, they will probably find this turn of events really, really exciting.

Get on top

Do you usually wait for your partner to suggest it to get on top? Now’s the time to switch that up. Being on top gives you more control over the angle, speed, and depth (if penetration is involved), which can make it easier for some people to have sex that really feels great.

Talk dirty

Switching up the script can be really exciting for both you and your partner. Depending on what you’re both comfortable with, this could look like something as simple as incorporating a little dirty talk during sex. If this feels impossibly awkward, just try describing how your partner’s body feels to you. Or describing how your body is feeling.

Try some new moves

If you’re looking for something more advanced, you can try playing with sensations (think cold/warm, rough/soft), trying out new toys, or stimulating body parts that you usually leave alone (nipples, butts, etc.). Here’s some sexy homework to figure out what else you might both like.

Get yours

The best part about taking charge is focusing on your own pleasure first. Listening to what your body wants during sex and doing that can be super empowering. As always, just make sure you have your partner’s enthusiastic consent first.

Written by Lauren Kernan, MA

Lauren Kernan is the Director of Content and UX Strategy for Bedsider and Abortion Finder. In her spare time, she can be found sewing or starting and giving up on various other crafts.

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