Great sex doesn’t just happen. It’s not magic. It requires actual thinking and actual talking. But those conversations can be really hard, especially since many of us were never given the tools to discuss (or even figure out!) things like boundaries, consent, desire, turn-ons, or turn-offs. So when a partner shares something with you, you might be taken by surprise and not know how to respond, especially if it’s something you hadn’t considered before. Here’s how to proceed in a way that’s loving and supportive of your partner and also honors your own needs and desires.

The point is that, despite what you may have learned from middle school sex ed and/or porn, sex is more than penetration and doesn’t have to involve penetration at all. Penetration is not the end goal of sex. You get to decide what sex is for you. So here are 7 super-hot sexy time things you can do that don’t involve penetration:

Let’s be real, initiating sex can be hard. If you happen to be totally in sync with your partner all the time, then maybe it’s not, but that’s not reality for most people. It’s very easy to fall into a pattern of just waiting for your partner to initiate. This is especially true for women in heterosexual relationships because we live in a culture where men are expected to always want sex and women aren’t. But that’s not fair to anybody. So as a goal for 2020, consider working on building up the initiation muscle. Here are five ways to get started.

Y’all, can we just not with all the bullsh*t in 2020? No more diarrhea detox teas, no more workouts that make us faint, no more people who are bad for us. Just self-love, pleasure, yummy food, and love for each other. Here are 8 ways to actually improve your health in the new decade: