Why the orgasm gap is still a thing (and how to re-center your own pleasure)

Let’s talk about something that shouldn’t still be a thing in 2025: the orgasm gap. Yep, we said it! We’re talking about that very real, equally annoying pattern where people with vulvas are consistently having fewer orgasms than their penis-owning partners.

Throughout the years, there have been many justifications made for the orgasm gap, and we’re here to set the record straight on that misinformation. No, it’s not because your body is broken. Or because your pleasure is “too complicated.” It’s because our culture is still pretty bad at prioritizing the pleasure of people with vulvas in the first place.

But here is our PSA: your pleasure matters. So let’s dig into why the orgasm gap even exists in the first place, and how you can start re-centering your pleasure.

What is the orgasm gap?

The orgasm gap refers to the imbalance in how often people orgasm during partnered sex, based on gender, sexual orientation, and who’s involved. In study after study, research has shown that:

• Heterosexual cis men report orgasming around 95% of the time during sex
• Heterosexual cis women report orgasming 65% of the time
• Queer women tend to orgasm more frequently than straight women, ranging from 86% for lesbian women and 66% for bisexual women
• Queer men orgasm roughly 89% of the time during sex
  

TL;DR: People with penises tend to orgasm more often than those with vulvas. And when sex involves a penis, people with vulvas are less likely to orgasm.

Why is this still happening?

There isn’t one, singular explanation for the orgasm gap, unfortunately:

1. Sex is often still viewed as solely P-in-V = “real sex”

Our society has continued to place penis-in-vagina sex as the benchmark and any physical intimacy not involving a penis isn’t “real sex.” We know that’s far from the truth. But not only does our cultural narrative continue to uplift this idea, it’s often what is taught in sex ed. So it’s no surprise that people often grow up thinking that male orgasm is the finish line for sex.

2. The vibes are still pretty weird when it comes to the clitoris

You would think that we’ve reached a place where folks no longer clutch their pearls when the word clitoris enters the conversation. But no such luck. However, the facts are quite simple. The clitoris is literally built for pleasure. A lot of us, regardless of if we received sex ed or not, often don’t learn this. And the cultural shame and general vibes of awkwardness surrounding the clitoris has led to many partners unsure of what to do with the clitoris or avoiding it altogether during penis-in-vagina sex.

3. A lot of sex is still centered around the 🍆

Let’s do a roll call. Raise your hand if you’ve had sex that ended the moment the person with a penis came? (Spoiler alert: you’re not alone there.) Sex shouldn’t be a race to the finish line where there’s only one winner. It should be a shared experience where pleasure is centered for all parties involved.

How to re-center your pleasure

So how do we get out of this collective orgasmic rut? We start reclaiming our pleasure. Here’s how you can do that, on your terms.

1. Start with you. Seriously.

Solo sex is one of the best ways to explore what kinds of touch are pleasurable for you—and where. Masturbation gives you the opportunity to learn what makes you feel good, free of pressure or expectations. So get to know your own body. The more you know what pleasure looks and feels like for you, the more information you can communicate to a partner during sex. And any sexual partner worth your time will want to know how to make you feel good.

2. Get comfortable talking about it—before, during, after.

Finding the language to express your boundaries, desires, and needs during sex is important. We get it. That’s often easier said than done. But checking in, offering feedback in the moment, and asking for what you want doesn’t have to be scary or awkward. It just takes practice.

3. Expand your definition of sex.

Sex doesn’t have to mean penetration, and it’s definitely not limited to penis-in-vagina sex. Oral sex, solo sex, mutual masturbation, using toys or hands—these are all on the table. You get to define what sex is for you.

4. Make orgasm a possibility, not the end goal.

Sex isn’t a checklist. And orgasms aren’t the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Rethink what matters most for you during sex. If you don’t orgasm but you’re feeling good in your body, taken care of, and like your pleasure was prioritized, that’s a win. The gap isn’t just about orgasms, it’s about having your pleasure centered.

5. Choose partners who care. Period.

We’ll keep this one short and sweet: A partner who’s worth your mind, body, and time is someone that cares and is genuinely invested in making sure sex is pleasurable for you. Green flag energy only.

Your pleasure is the (new) standard

To close the orgasm gap, there has to be a shift in the culture. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to re-center pleasure in your own life. Figure out what feels good for you. Ask for what you want. And make your pleasure the new standard in every kind of sex you choose to have. You’re worth it. 😉