There have been a lot of couples, or at least a lot of couplings, on GOT. Now that the last season is finally here, we feel compelled to remind you of the best (and worst) of what the show has laid out in front of us so far like a midnight buffet, a heady mix of mouth-watering, disgusting, and disturbing. We can only pray to the Old Gods and the New that things won’t get worse for us in the next 5 weeks (haha). So here they are, from hottest to nottest:
(Oh yeah and sooo many spoilers ahead.)
1. Ygritte and Jon Snow: Hot
True love AND a steamy cave sex scene in which Jon Snow invents oral sex? AAAAAND a real-life love story? Yes, yes, and yessssss, please. We’re looking at Dany sideways right now, such was our love for this couple.
2. Jaime and Cersei Lannister: Hot
UNPOPULAR OPINION. Incest, we know! But they’re just such a good match for each other, what can we say? They have the matching wits thing going, Jaime can really handle what a stone cold B Cersei is sometimes, and he seems to be the one person she might truly, actually love? If a shard of glass can love?
3. Grey Worm and Missandei: Hot
Now this is a love story. It’s a slow burn, yes, but it’s worth it. When Missandei and Grey Worm finally get down, it’s not just hot, it’s emotional. Grey Worm has to really trust Missandei to show her his body, and when she sees him and accepts (nay, CELEBRATES!) him, their passion can finally blossom. This is sexy representation. Also a good reminder to anyone who’s still confused that it’s not all about the penis—never was!
4. Ellaria Sand and Oberyn Martell: Hot
These sexy, sandy people keep things reallll millennial. They were doing open relationships before open relationships were even a thing, and they made it look SO GOOD. It’s a real shame he had his brain smushed out via his eye sockets, because we really liked watching them slink sexily around together. Plus now the sand witch is extra cranky and murdery.
5. Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth, the One True Queen: Hot
Game of TALL BLONDES amirite? These two would have the literal longest babies ever together. Okay, so they’re not a couple in the technical sense, but they have a long, and in many ways extremely romantic, relationship history. No hate for #teamtormund, but we say take a hint, Giantsbane! Eye rolling means no! We ship Jaimienne. Braime.
Honorable Mentions: Hot
Dany and Daario Naharis (meaningless sex with a super-hot, highly productive employee!); Loras and Renly (we don’t really care about either of these people, it’s just nice to have some representation); Robb and Talisa (it was doomed but they seemed like they really loved each other); Tyrion and Shae (we’ll never get over this betrayal, but it was so sweet and sexy while it lasted); Podrick and all the ladies of Littlefinger’s brothel (true love); Olenna Tyrell and having the last word (true, vicious love).
6. Lysa and Robin Arryn, her creepy little baby: Not
Not only did Lysa kill her husband FOR LITTLEFINGER, but she birthed the bane that is Robin.
7. Littlefinger and Lysa Arryn: Not
We feel slightly bad putting Lysa on the Not list twice, but if the shoe fits! The only thing worse than Littlefinger and Lysa is Littlefinger’s attempt at Littlefinger-and-Sansa. Shudder.
8. Stannis Baratheon and Melisandre: Not
We couldn’t decide which was worse, Stannis and Selyse or Stannis and Melisandre, but then we remembered Melisandre is the most annoying paranormal character on television. Stop trying to make “the night is dark and full of terrors” happen, Melisandre!
9. Any Bolton and literally anyone: Not
We’re just glad the Boltons are dead so we never have to see them boning (or raping, and oh God why do we watch this show, we’ll never be the same!) anyone ever again.
10. Joffrey and anyone, especially his mommy: Not
See above. Bye!
Honorable mentions: Not
The three-eyed raven and the children of the forest; Jaqen H'ghar and Arya; Cersei and Euron Greyjoy (more like Grossjoy); Ellaria Sand and Myrcella Baratheon; Ilyn Payne and Ned Stark (too soon?).
Here’s hoping you have more of a life than we do!
P.S. If the second half of this list doesn’t serve as sufficient birth control for you, consider an IUD, the method most likely to get you through the long winter.