5 things to know about your sex drive (and why it changes over time)

At some point in your life, you may have experienced changes in your relationship where you went from wanting to jump your partner’s bones at any second to going days or weeks without having any sexual urges toward them. You may have noticed that when you were younger, the idea of sex sounded so new, fresh, and exciting, and now it may feel like such an automatic part of your day-to-day life that the thought of sex doesn’t give you butterflies in your stomach anymore. Or maybe you’ve experienced having a stronger sex drive as you’ve aged because all the other aspects in your life have gone through positive changes too.

But, regardless of what phase of life you’re currently in, or what phase you’ve been in the past, you’ve likely asked the question: “Is this normal?”

No matter someone’s background, age, personal experience, or professional expertise, nearly everyone has wrestled with that same question. Specifically, when it comes to libido. That simple, vulnerable question reveals just how many of us are unsure about our own sexual desire and how little we’re taught about it.

And that uncertainty is exactly why it’s so important for us to understand what sexual desire is, how it works, and how it changes throughout our lives.

1. There is no “normal” amount of sex to want or to have

The first (and maybe most comforting) reality about sexual desire: the idea of a “normal” sex drive is more of a myth than a fact. It’s natural to be curious about how much sex other people are having and what counts as “common” or “uncommon.” In reality, what’s “normal” is subjective. Justin J. Lehmiller, PhD—sex researcher and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast —explains the science behind why people’s sex drive varies. In a previous article for Psychology Today, Lehmiller writes, “We all have a ‘gas pedal’ and a ‘brake’ when it comes to sexual arousal,” he said. “Some people have a gas pedal that is always partially pressed (which makes it easier for them to get turned on), whereas others have a brake that is always partially pressed (which makes it harder for them to get turned on).”

However, a person’s desire for sex can change throughout their life, which brings us to our next point.

2. Multiple factors may influence your libido

The bittersweet reality is that our sex drive can be influenced by nearly anything: menstrual cycles, hormonal birth control, relationship satisfaction, breast/chest feeding, medical conditions, medications, prior sex education, trauma, body image, stress, and more. Even the different phases of life we move through, like puberty, pregnancy, postpartum, menopause, and aging in general, can affect our desire for sex.

Think of your sex drive the same way you think about energy or appetite. How energetic vs. tired or hungry vs. not-hungry you feel can change based on your day, emotions, and environment. Your libido works the same way, like a scale that can be tipped in the “Omg I want sex now” direction or the “I’m not in the mood” direction, depending on what’s going on in and around you.

3. There is a difference between sex drive and sexual arousal

Your sex drive is influenced by lots of factors, but wanting sex and feeling aroused aren’t the same thing. Desire is mostly mental, whereas arousal is your body and mind reacting to something sexual, like a fantasy, a flirtatious conversation, or physical touch. In other words, just because you’re showing signs of arousal (like being wet or having an erection) doesn’t necessarily mean you’re experiencing desire.

And sometimes, your brain can confuse strong emotions like stress, fear, or anxiety with arousal because they activate similar physical reactions, which is one reason why sexual desire can feel unpredictable or confusing at times.

4. Mismatched libido is one of the most common dilemmas couples experience

Speaking of unpredictable and confusing: sometimes our sex drive isn’t synced with our partner’s. Research shows that up to 80% of couples regularly experience mismatched desire, where one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn’t.

Experiencing this mismatch as a couple can be challenging at times, but understanding your own patterns of desire may help you communicate your needs. Researchers have found that people tend to experience desire in two common ways:

1. Spontaneous desire: pops up out of nowhere.
2. Responsive desire: shows up after physical or mental stimulation.

Neither is better than the other, just different.

If you tend to experience desire responsively, needing more physical or mental stimulation, it could be helpful to track what increases arousal for you, like creating a journal or taking mental notes. Do you feel turned on after you’ve watched erotic imagery? Do you feel most turned on when you’re eating certain foods? Are you more or less horny depending on the weather or time of day? Whatever you’re experiencing, pay attention to those patterns—it can help you communicate them to your partner.

If you’re the person whose sexual desire happens more spontaneously and your partner doesn’t, it may help to expand your definition of what “counts” as sex. Sometimes kissing just for the sake of kissing and not going further is the kind of sex you’ll have that day. Sometimes receiving a handjob in the shower is the kind of sex you’ll have for the day. Sometimes your partner may be open to putting whipped cream on your nipples and licking it off while you use your vibrator on yourself. Moments like these are where it’s crucial to think outside the box.

Navigating mismatched libido can be challenging, but remember: bodies like pleasure and minds crave connection. Communicating openly about what each partner is experiencing lays the groundwork for mutual understanding and closeness.

5. Your mind is your most powerful sex organ

The most important takeaway: your brain calls the shots. It’s the place where attraction sparks, fantasies form, stress shuts things down, and desire gets the green light. If your mind isn’t invited to the party, the rest of your body won’t show up either.

When your mind feels safe, supported, and connected, your body is much more likely to follow. And when it doesn’t? That’s normal, too. There’s no “right” way to experience sexual desire. What matters most is understanding your own patterns, giving yourself compassion, and creating a sex life that feels pleasurable, comfortable, and authentic to you.