Sexual fantasies and daydreams: Let your mind wander

There’s your external sex life that is physical and very real. Then there’s your internal sex life that takes place in your mind. For some, the internal stuff is a vivid realm filled with sexual exploration and imaginative settings, scenarios, and partners. Others barely fantasize at all. Both are normal.

What does it mean when you daydream about sex with a celeb, a colleague, a character from a book, that guy you follow on Twitter, or anyone other than your partner?

It usually means that your mind is supplying sexual satisfaction in an area where you may not be satisfied in real life.

But don’t be bummed out. It’s not a sign that your relationship or sex life is lacking! Here’s why: Nobody meets our needs 100% of the time.

You can be madly in love and totally fulfilled on almost every level. It’s just that sometimes, tucked way in the back of your mind, maybe there’s something you yearn to experience that you haven’t explored yet. You can harmlessly play it out in your daydreams and that’s a good thing.

What does it mean when—during sex—you picture yourself with someone other than your partner?

This is also pretty common, especially in long-term relationships. Please don’t feel guilty if you occasionally picture yourself doing someone else while you’re doing your partner. It might be what you need to spice things up during a time when you’re distracted, tired, or just not feeling it.

According to Psychology Today, you should only be concerned when you have to imagine someone else every time you’re having sex with your S.O. That might indicate unhappiness in your relationship, boredom, anger, or other intimacy issues. A professional therapist can help you sort through those feelings and your relationship.

How can you use fantasies and daydreams to improve your external sex life?

Self has an entire article on what specific sexual fantasies mean (e.g. dungeon sex, orgies, sex with a stranger) and how you can use those fantasies to heat up your sex life without revealing the private details you dream about. However, Dr. Lisa Levy suggests that sharing fantasies and desires with a partner can get you both aroused. So if you feel safe disclosing your inner sex life, it could lead to something even more steamy than usual.

And while it might be cool to imagine sex without birth control in your daydreams, we highly recommend it in real life.


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