Should you join the mile high club this holiday season?
A cost-benefit analysis
It’s basically Halloween, which means it’s basically Thanksgiving, which means it’s basically New Year’s, which means, for some of us anyway, impending holiday travel. We’re not going to lie, the prospect of eating pie and whipped cream in a 1:2 ratio off a paper plate while watching Home Alone is enough to get us through the airports filled with angry trolls and the flight delays. But in case you need a little something more, today we bring you…Joining the Mile High Club: A Cost-Benefit Analysis.
Jk we just wanted to sound fancy, it’s actually just a pro-con list! And we’re starting with the pros because it’s Friday, and we do what we want!
Feel accomplished for doing two things at once. That old trope about responding to work emails on your “Blackberry” while doing it doggy style is so 2007. Freshen it up by hurtling through time and space while doing it doggy style.
Reduce in-flight anxiety. Okay, seriously though. Fear of flying is no laughing matter! And sex, especially with orgasms, can LIT-ER-AL-LY reduce stress and anxiety. So if you can steady your shaking hands, wobbly knees and lurching stomach long enough, you may just feel better afterwards.
Get a great story to tell your grandkids. They’ll all be gathered at your feet, which will be nestled in the coziest slippers, and you’ll tell them all about that time you and “grandpa” (they don’t need to know everything) canoodled in one of those tiny plane bathrooms.
Get high speed with low risk. If you’ve always wanted to have sex while driving, this checks some of the same boxes without the risk of causing a horrible crash that you’ll regret for the rest of your life. (This doesn’t apply if you’re a pilot. Please, if you’re a pilot, stop reading this! Go learn Morse code or something!)
Danger makes you hot in a good way. Ready to step up your thrill-seeking game from the broom closet at the Olive Garden? A plane may be just the place to do it. Nothing like a little fear of getting caught (and/or dying due to excessive turbulence that definitely means the engine is falling out) to light the fire.
Possible toilet suction mishap. Not sure exactly how this would happen, but that suction is just so powerful. We’re pretty sure if we tried to have sex in an airplane bathroom at least some part of our clothing would end up coming out the bottom of the plane in one of those frozen poop cubes.
Possible touching of icky surfaces. Not possible, definite. Everything in a plane is covered in the foulest, most prehistoric bacteria. Touching any of it is a terrible mistake. Touching any of it with a bare butt cheek OR SOMETHING EVEN MORE PRECIOUS is really just next-level disgusting.
Possible escorting off the plane in humiliating fashion. Like in Bridesmaids, but think less iconic, more super awkward. Plus the cops (or FBI!) could get involved, and you don’t want to deal with all of that.
Panic attacks are not sexy. If you’re seriously afraid of flying, there may be no way to make that sexy. Not sure about you, but when we’re having a panic attack, we’re generally not that into anything except oxygen.
Danger makes you flaccid. Nothing like a little fear of getting caught to make you want to throw up and give you noodle legs (and noodle vag).
As you can see, there are 5 pros and 5 cons, proving once and for all the futility of the pro-con list. You’re on your own, kids!
P.S. We get a lot of questions about whether you can get pregnant in different scenarios, so we’re just going to let you know right now that neither pressurized, recycled air, nor large quantities of salty snacks from Hudson News prevent sperm from fertilizing eggs. So, as always, fasten your condoms, folks! And no, “noodle vag” is not a real thing. That we know of.
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