We understand. Some days you get home from work and all you want to do is curl up in the fetal position on the bare floor while someone feeds you soft crumbs of white bread like you’re a baby bird. We’re here to tell you it’s totally normal and not a problem at all for adults to feel like they’d rather be baby birds!
Seriously though, you don’t have to have sex. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever if you don’t want to. But in the event that you DO want to, but you don’t seem to be in the mood at the right times (for example, if you’re only in the mood during meetings), we’ve got some tried-and-true ways to get your body and brain back in alignment.
Get out of work clothes.
This is all about signaling to your brain that your work day is done. You have left Karen and her triangular haircut back at the office. You’re free. You have so few hours away from Karen. Don’t let Karen take your nights too. Also, what are you doing with your life if your first act upon getting home isn’t whipping off your pants?
Separate yourself physically from as many stressors as possible.
If dishes in the sink stress you out and you have a sink full of dishes, sure, you could do the dishes, but that seems like a slippery slope! We’d recommend just leaving the kitchen, but it’s up to you. Same goes for piles of mail and dirty laundry. If you work from home, it can be hard to separate, but definitely leave whatever area you work in for another part of your space. And yes, put down your phone. It might be a stressor, but at the very least, it’s a distractor.
Create a relaxing environment.
This may sound like a cliché but lighting a few candles really can make your space feel warm and cozy, and turning on some music you like really can relax you. Basically, you want to hygge the sh*t out of the surrounding area. And yes, that may actually mean a little light straightening up of the bedroom.
Take a shower or bath.
Not only can feeling fresh and clean be super sexy, it can also physically relax you and help you reset mentally. A shower or bath is also an opportunity to transition from being completely in your head to being more in your body. Take your time lathering up. Notice how the warm water feels on your skin. If you’ve got some extra time on your hands, a simple DIY body scrub can be really luxurious and help you feel more embodied (and will also leave your skin feeling freakishly soft).
Don’t skimp on foreplay.
And maybe even work in some foreplay for your foreplay, like talking about your day or complimenting your partner. Foreplay is super important, especially for people who primarily experience responsive desire. Give yourself plenty of time (and plenty of stimulation) to get in the mood.
Get on a birth control method you can trust.
Nothing like pregnancy or STI (or both) anxiety to kill a mood. Get on a method you feel good about so you can just focus on what feels good.
P.S. ICYMI, you can read up on one of our fave feminist heroes of all time, Audre Lorde, here.