How to create your own pleasure manifesto

We’ve all seen the scripts. Whether it’s the rom-com version where everything is perfectly choreographed and both people orgasm at the exact same moment. Or the porn version where sex is loud, aggressive, and perfectly staged. Or the magazine version with endless tips that promise to “drive them wild.”

But here’s a question: when was the last time any of those scripts described sex that actually felt good to you?

Too many of us are so focused on having the “right” kind of sex that we never stop to ask what we actually want. We perform sexuality instead of enjoying it. We worry about how we look, how we sound, whether we’re doing it right—which means we miss out on the pleasure and connection that make sex worth having.

It’s time to throw out the rulebook and write your own. Welcome to your pleasure manifesto.

What’s a pleasure manifesto?

A pleasure manifesto is your personal statement about what great sex means to you. It’s based on what actually turns you on and feels good—not what society tells you to want.

Think of it as taking back ownership of your sex life. Not performing for a partner. Not trying to meet some outside standard. Just you, figuring out what pleasure means on your own terms.

And here’s the best part: everyone’s manifesto will look different. Because everyone’s best sex looks different. That’s exactly how it should be.

Unlearning the scripts

Before you write your manifesto, it helps to look at the scripts you’ve been handed. You know them: sex is supposed to go in a specific order (kissing → touching → oral → penetration → orgasm = done). Good sex should be spontaneous and serious. Everyone should want sex all the time. Orgasms should be easy. People should get wet or hard instantly and stay that way. You should know exactly what a partner wants without saying a word.

Should, should, should.

Here’s the truth: there is no one “right way” to have sex. What works for other people doesn’t have to work for you. And figuring out what you want isn’t something you do once—it’s something you keep exploring your whole life because it will change over time.

Discovering what you actually want

Get started on your manifesto by thinking honestly about your own experiences. What are three times you’ve felt most present and alive during sex? Not the times that make the best story—the times when you felt most like yourself. What made those moments good? Try to be specific.

If you’re having a hard time thinking of examples of your personal sexual highlights, you might think about erotic books or videos. What kinds of things turn you on that you’ve seen or read?

If no one could judge you, what would you actually want to try? And be real with yourself: what parts of your sexual experiences do you enjoy, versus just put up with, versus actively dislike? It’s completely fine if things that are considered “normal” don’t do anything for you.

Exploring your values around sex

Now start thinking about what matters most to you during sex. Connection with another person? Trying new things? Feeling safe and comfortable? Intensity? Fun and playfulness? None of these is better than the others—they’re just different. Knowing what you value helps you understand what kind of sex will actually satisfy you.

How do you want to feel during sex? And after? Powerful? Desired? Safe? Relaxed? Knowing the feeling you’re looking for can help you figure out what kinds of experiences will get you there.

Understanding your turn-ons and turn-offs

Next consider when you actually feel turned on. What needs to happen first? Maybe you need to feel safe and relaxed. Maybe you need excitement and a little tension. Maybe you need certain kinds of foreplay or conversation to get you going. Whatever it is, it’s valid. Knowing what arouses you helps you create situations where you’re likely to feel it.

What kills the mood for you? Feeling rushed? Certain kinds of touch? Fake-sounding dirty talk? Not enough foreplay? Your specific preferences are never a problem—they’re useful information for you (and your partner).

And here’s your official permission to have or very specific turn-ons. Everyone does. Your body is the expert on what feels good to it. Listen to it, even when it’s telling you something different than what you’ve been taught to believe you should like.

Writing your pleasure manifesto

Now take everything you’ve been thinking about and write it down. This is for you—you don’t have to show it to anyone.

Here’s what to include:

Your core values. What matters most to you about sex?

Your enthusiastic yeses. What feels good to you—the moves, the mood, the energy.

Things you’re curious about. Stuff you’d be open to trying if or when the time and person feel right.

Things you’re not into. No explanation needed.

Your hard line boundaries. What needs to be present for you to feel safe.

Some examples to get you started

“Sex for me is about connection first, physical pleasure second.”

“I need to feel safe and unhurried before I can relax into it.”

“If we can’t be silly about sex, we can’t be vulnerable together.”

“I don’t care much about penetration, but I love sensation and touch.”

“I need a slow build-up. Skipping that means I won’t get there.”

“I need my partner to be clearly into my pleasure, not just their own.”

“Morning sex is my favorite. By night I’m touched out and tired.”

What to do with it

This isn’t a finished document—it’s a living one. Update it as you learn more about yourself, enter a new phase of life, or have a new dynamic with a new partner. Your manifesto, your rules.

Once you have it, you can share what you want with a partner. You can ask your partner to do the same. That’s when you get to start seeing where you overlap and where you can help each other have the most enjoyable sex possible. Without the shoulds.