How to have sex while staying at your parents’ house for Thanksgiving

Defiling your childhood bedroom in 5 easy steps

Just because you’re home for the holidays, that doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to have zero sex drive, right? Well, it probably does mean that for some people (don’t be too surprised if your partner isn’t super into boning you on your fluffy white childhood bed covered in teddy bears while your grandma’s right outside watching Wheel of Fortune). But if all the fall foliage, cozy sweaters, and delicious side dishes have you raring to go, here are some tips on how to make it work.

  1. Wait until everyone’s asleep. You may be tempted to pretend you both need a “nap” from all the “turkey” to get some alone time during the day, but there’s nothing like the roaring laughter of your Uncle Jeff echoing through the house to make your vagina clamp shut.

  2. Skip the bed. We all know your twin bed squeaks like there’s no tomorrow, because we can hear it from here! The floor is your best bet. If you have nice plush 90s wall-to-wall carpet, you’re golden, but if not, throw down some comforters and go to town. Or, you know what, just skip the bedroom altogether. It may just be easier to do it in the car, where at least you can make some noise even if you do hit your head about ten times.

  3. Add a lock to the door. If your childhood bedroom door doesn’t have a lock (relatable), you can actually get a lock that requires no installation. You’ll get instant peace of mind knowing that your dad isn’t going to pop in to tell you Home Alone is on tv at the worst possible moment.

  4. Optimize for being as stuffed as last night’s turkey. So, not that this has ever happened to us, but let’s say you’re in the middle of an epic leftover situation and somewhere between the fourth dinner roll and the third helping of mashed potatoes, you find yourself needing to unbutton your pants and lie down under the table for a minute. Just pass me my pie under here please. No problem, you can definitely rally for some after-dinner lovin’. Pop some antacids and find a position where no one is on top of anyone.

  5. Get on and get off. This isn’t about romance, people. It’s also no time for complicated maneuvers or new positions. Stick with what you know. You were definitely going to burn the house down with that massage oil candle anyway, and just how were you going to you explain that, young lady?


P.S. Forgot to pack condoms? We can help. Confused about when to take your pill when you’re in a different time zone? We can help with that too.

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