When masturbation feels like a chore: How to take the pressure out of self-pleasure

Somewhere along the way, masturbation got added to the wellness to-do list, right between journaling and getting your steps in. Self-pleasure was treated as self-care, and orgasms were checked off as productivity. Five minutes of alone time rebranded as an act of radical healing.

And look — the underlying idea isn’t wrong. Masturbation can feel great. It can help you sleep, reduce stress, and teach you things about your body that make your sex life better. None of that is made up.

But there’s a difference between “this can be good for you” and “you should be doing this.” And the latter can make people feel guilty for not masturbating enough, or go through the motions without actually wanting to, or start wondering if something is wrong with them because they just… don’t feel like it.

Nothing is wrong with them. Or you, if that’s where you are. If you’re feeling this way, here’s what’s likely going on and how to make masturbation fun again.

How we got here

Somewhere along the way, a lot of things that are supposed to make us feel good started feeling like things we’re supposed to do instead. Exercise, meditation, setting boundaries, and yes, masturbation — all of these self-care strategies are supposed to be good for us, but the pressure to have to do them can sometimes have the opposite effect.

There’s also been a genuine and important cultural shift toward normalizing masturbation, especially for people who were historically told it wasn’t for them. That social change matters. But it can quietly tip into prescription—from “this is okay” to “this is what healthy, sex-positive people do"—and that’s where it starts to feel like pressure.

What it really means if you don’t feel like it

Not wanting to masturbate or going through periods where you’re just not interested is normal. Desire fluctuates. It’s affected by stress, sleep, medication, hormonal shifts, relationship dynamics, mental health, and approximately a thousand other things.

In some cases, hormonal birth control, in particular, can affect libido for some people, so if you’ve recently started or stopped a method, changes in your interest in sex — partnered or solo — might be connected. It’s worth talking to your provider if it feels significant.

But sometimes there’s no clinical explanation. Sometimes you’re just in a season where your body isn’t asking for it, and that’s fine. How turned on and horny you feel isn’t a metric for how healthy or sexually evolved you are.

The difference between exploring and performing

There’s a version of masturbating that comes from genuine curiosity or desire — you want to feel good, you have some time, your body is interested. That’s the version people are usually talking about when they say it’s good for you.

Then there’s the version where you feel like you should, so you do, but it mostly feels like going through the motions. It’s like exercising out of obligation rather than wanting to move your body.

The second version isn’t going to teach you much about yourself or be particularly satisfying. Feeling like you have to do it to be a certain kind of person — liberated, in tune with your body, sexually healthy — is its own kind of pressure that has nothing to do with pleasure.

What to do instead

If you’ve been treating masturbation like a chore, the most useful thing might be to just stop for a while. Take it off the list entirely. See what happens when it’s not something you’re supposed to be doing.

For some people, removing the obligation is when genuine desire shows back up. For others, it just confirms that they’re not that interested, and that’s useful information too.

Have fun

If and when you do come back to it, try something different than you usually do. Not with the goal of orgasm, but with curiosity. What actually feels good right now, in this body, today? Don’t fixate on what’s worked before, or what you’ve read you’re supposed to enjoy — just what’s actually happening.

That’s harder than it sounds if you’re used to running on autopilot. But it’s also more interesting.

How to re-frame your feelings

Wellness culture has turned masturbation into something people feel bad about. That’s kind of ironic, given it’s supposed to feel good.

You’re not failing at being sex-positive if you’re not that interested in solo sex right now. You’re not repressed or broken or behind somehow. Pleasure isn’t a performance, and the more comfortable you are, the more it’ll come.

The point of masturbation—when it’s working the way it’s supposed to—is that it feels good and you want to do it. If neither of those things is true right now, you’re not missing out on something you owe yourself. You’re just a person whose interest comes and goes, which is to say, you’re just like everyone else.