Your guide to scary good sex

Scary good sex is real–it’s just not like what you see in porn or at the movies. Most of what we learn about sex from the screen is not exactly reliable. Porn shows bodies that never cramp, never laugh, and always finish at the same moment. Movies tend to cut to a crackling fireplace right as things get interesting.

You want real answers about how to have good sex in an actual bed (or backseat or floor or the kitchen counter). So here’s what can make sex good. (And we promise: no tricks, just treats.)

Does good sex actually look like porn?

No, good sex doesn’t look like porn. Expecting your sex life to match what you see on the internet is a trap. Porn has good lighting. It has casting directors, and intimacy coordinators. It’s edited for a camera. You, presumably, have… none of that.

Screen sex is either total silence or theatrical noise. Porn is not a documentary. Real sex has pauses, readjustments, the occasional snort of laughter, and talking. There’s also the unexpected fart.

Good sex also usually involves more than penetration. The orgasm gap exists in large part because a lot of people believe penis-in-vagina or toy-in-vagina is the whole event. It isn’t and, for plenty of people, it’s not even part of the event at all!

What’s actually happening in your brain during good sex?

Good sex is mostly a brain event. Feel-good brain chemicals are running the show: they make you want it, help you feel close to your partner, and cause the full-body high of orgasm and the melty, can’t-feel-my-legs calm afterward. Your genitals get all the credit, but your brain is doing a lot of the work.

How do you have good sex the first time?

The trick to having good sex the first time with a new partner is lowering the stakes because, let’s be real, not every sexual experience belongs on the highlight reel. Keep your expectations realistic. Go slower than you think you need to. Use lube. Say what does and doesn’t feel good out loud.

Awkward moments come with the territory; they don’t mean you’re doing it wrong. And it tends to get better as you and your partner(s) learn each other over time. The same applies to getting to know your body with solo sex.

What are some tips for freaky sex for beginners?

The easiest way to get a little freaky is to change one thing, like where you’re doing it or what you can see (or not see) while you’re doing it. You don’t need a sex swing or a secret dungeon; something as simple as a new spot or toy can make even familiar sex feel brand new. Bedsider even ranked the best places to have sex in public from lowest to highest risk, if you want more ideas. (Beginners, start at the low end.)

How do you have good car sex?

Good car sex is mostly a logistics problem. You’re going to want to park somewhere on private property. A requirement for car sex is that absolutely no one can see you. If you attempt car sex on public property or in view of others, you could end up in handcuffs (and not the kinky kind).

If you have checked off the privacy box, you can focus on the fun. Push a seat all the way back to recline it. Watch out for the gearshift and the seatbelt buckle. Put a blanket underneath you for comfort and cleanup. The backseat usually beats the front. Fog on the windows is a feature, not a bug.

How do you have good phone sex?

Good phone sex lives and dies on the details. The whole point of how to have good phone sex is saying out loud what you’d be doing, what you’re feeling, and what you want. Let it be a little clumsy at the start. Confidence is going to take you a lot farther than a perfect script. If the words freeze up, a question (“what do you want me to do?”) keeps it moving.

What is mirror sex?

Mirror sex is pretty much exactly what it sounds like: You set up a mirror somewhere you both can see and let yourselves watch. Prop a full-length mirror next to the bed or do it in front of the bathroom mirror. Push through the awkward (everyone feels a little giggly the first time they see themselves mid-moan). Lots of people find that watching turns them on more than they’d realized.

Can you have sex in a pool or a hot tub?

You can totally have sex in a pool or a hot tub, as long as it’s private and no one else is in it. Heads up, though, that water can actually wash away natural lubrication, so it might be worth it to bring some silicone lube, which holds up better in water. Also, water doesn’t stop sperm: you can still get pregnant in a pool or hot tub, and you can still get an STI.

So, how do you have good sex? Here’s the short version

Step 1: Talk before, during, and after. It’s all about communication.
Step 2: Drop the porn script. Real bodies want warm-up, variety, and usually (a lot) more than
penetration.
Step 3: Let pleasure lead. Your brain rewards what genuinely feels good.
Step 4: Lower the stakes. Paused, funny, and imperfect are all normal features of good sex.