Friends with benefits: How to know if it’s actually working for you

A friends with benefits (FWB) situation can be one of the best arrangements you’ve ever been in. It can also get complicated very fast.

A lot of people go into a FWB hoping to keep things light. No strings, no feelings. Sometimes it works like that. Sometimes it doesn’t. How do you know if your FWB relationship is working for you, though?

Setting some ground rules early can help make sure you’re both on the same page. Here’s how to set it up so it actually works for you.

How do friends with benefits work?

Some people think of friends with benefits as an ongoing hookup. Or it could be somewhere between a hookup and a relationship. But honestly, your personal FWB meaning is whatever you want it to be. And whatever your partner/s want it to be. Sometimes it’s an actual friend. Sometimes it’s someone you just know. Or maybe you swiped right to find someone looking for a no-strings situation.

What it involves will vary from relationship to relationship. The point is, once you’ve entered FWB territory, the friendship has shifted into something new. Now you and your friend (or friends) are diving into sexual exploration.

You can definitely get benefits from more than one friend. You can also get benefits from multiple friends at the same time. But for this, we’ll talk about one of these relationships at a time.

Understanding the basics of how FWB works is a good start. Making a FWB relationship successful can be another challenge. No strings attached sex sounds awesome, but can be tricky to pull off. In an ideal world, you set expectations before anything sexual happens. That isn’t always realistic—but talk about it as soon as you can.

How to set boundaries with a friend with benefits?

A FWB boundaries checklist can be helpful for setting boundaries. This is the time to set the friends with benefits ground rules for having sex with each other. Here are some common questions that come up for people starting a FWB situation:

• Can we have sex with other people? What about casual dating?
• How often do we test for sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?
• Do we use condoms every time? Are we using other birth control? What kind? (Remember: condoms are the only birth control that also protects against STIs)
• What are the FWB sleepover rules?
• How do you feel about being out in public together? Are public displays of affection allowed?
• Do we tell each other if one of us catches feelings? Or feels hurt in some way?
• Are there FWB text rules? Are late-night texts okay? How much texting is too much?

When it comes to ground rules, you might have to try a few things out before you know what works and how you feel. Texting your FWB at 3 a.m. might be just the kind of commitment you’re looking for. Or hooking up after a night out might give you the ick.

Sometimes people are specific about sleepovers. A night of cuddling and all those feel-good hormones might be the perfect cocktail for catching feelings. Some people prefer to hook up and go home. These are all things to think about when you’re making your list of boundaries.

Not every FWB situation is going to have the same dos and don’ts. Focus on rules that work for who you are right now.

How to tell if a FWB is catching feelings?

Because people express romantic feelings differently, it’s not always easy to tell if an FWB has caught feelings. The good news is that one study reported that people in a FWB situation have more positive feelings than negative. Another study said that over half of people worried that one of them would develop feelings.

Feelings can change over time. If you start having feelings like jealousy, that’s a good sign the dynamic has changed. It’s also your cue to talk about things and revisit your friends with benefits rules.

There’s nothing wrong with developing feelings. Talking about it—sooner rather than later—can save a lot of awkwardness down the road.

Can friends with benefits turn into a relationship?

A FWB situation can evolve into a relationship, but it’s not as common as you see in Hollywood. Good news: There’s actually some science on this. (Thanks, sex scientists!) In one study, it worked out for 15% of people who wanted their FWBs to turn into committed relationships.

When people wanted to maintain the friendship, over half went back to just being friends again, but about a third of these friendships ended completely.

Why do friends with benefits fail?

Miscommunication is a common reason why friends with benefits fail. Things can get messy fast if you don’t talk about your expectations, so it might be helpful to talk to them:

1. How do you expect your friendship to change (or not)?
2. How do you expect the sexual relationship to evolve (or not)?

Hopefully you and your FWB are having some of the greatest sex of your lives, and there isn’t an orgasm gap in sight! But for some people, no amount of great sex is worth losing a friend. Check in with yourself to see how you’re feeling. Does your partner respect your boundaries? Is the sexual relationship still worth it for you?

How to know if friends with benefits is working for you?

You’ve established clear communication

You’ve both talked about what you expect from the relationship and from each other. You’re also down to talk about what you want in the present, the future, and how you’ll deal with possible feelings. If pregnancy is a possibility for you, you’ve talked about birth control. What is your plan if pregnancy happens? Did you talk about STI testing and protection?

You’re both on the same page and have mutual respect

Feelings can change, but you and your FWB should at least start on the same page. That’s why it helps to agree on your FWB boundaries checklist together. You want both of you to be honest about what you’re okay with, and make sure no one says “yes” when they really mean “no.”

No one can predict if you’ll fall in love with an FWB. Feelings don’t follow a plan. Hopefully you can respect your F buddy enough to say, “Hold up. I think I’m falling in love with you. We need to talk about it ASAP.”

You’re both being honest with each other (and yourselves)

Does your FWB situation stem from either one, or both, of you having romantic feelings? If you’re trying to disguise it as something casual, that sounds like a lot of work and feels a little dishonest. That’s not fair to your friendship, or to the romantic feelings involved.

If either one of you is trying to make FWB happen with a hidden agenda, the whole thing is set to go sideways. You’d be better off skipping that route and telling your friend that you have feelings for them.